Re-imaging loss

I never thought I would have to face a situation like I did 4 months ago, January 2021 was truly the worst month of my entire life, and re-living it daily is horrible.

I left for a New Years’ trip to Gatlinburg with some of my closest friends on the 28th of December and had the absolute best time with everyone. We all obviously tried our best to stay safe in what was called the “COVID crockpot” of the US, but whether that attempt to stay safe was successful or not is something else I deliberate over every day.

On the way back I got some news that my best friend and his girlfriend located a house in my hometown and asked me to move in with them, I absolutely couldn’t say no and I’m glad I didn’t. It has been thoroughly worthwhile and I wouldn’t change moving out for a second, but I almost didn’t do it.

Back to the story, after coming back from my little vacation in Gatlinburg, I started experiencing cold symptoms. I have a cold every year around that time so I just shrugged it off as being such, since they were minor and I didn’t think they were symptoms of anything else.

The day before I got tested, my Dad woke up feeling absolutely horrible and went to get tested and we got the news a few hours later that he tested positive. So as a result I got tested the next day and so did the rest of my family the day after that. I discussed with the nurse that I just had cold symptoms but just wanted to get tested just in case since classes started in two days. The doctor comes in and tells me…

“It’s a good thing you wanted to get tested, you’re positive for the virus.”

After hearing that is really when everything started going terribly.

So my whole family began quarantining in the house, I notified my professors, and thus began the descent. Dad started developing what is now COVID-induced pneumonia and went back to the doctor to seek treatment and sent him back home with antibiotics and other medicines. He got worse as the days went on and his pulse ox/blood saturation hit 78 at one point, and he was later admitted to the hospital.

Looking at him sitting in the ER waiting room as I drove off was the last time I saw him alive and I didn’t even know it.

By God when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, Mom got admitted due to how COVID was messing her up but thankfully she never came down with what my Dad did. Dad proceeded to make good progress in recovery, as did my Mom, but something happened with Dad and as a result, he had to be intubated. That’s when I knew it just wasn’t going to end well after that.

He started to make good progress even being intubated and sedated and it helped me mentally to continue to text him to update him on how my classes were going and how I was excited to eventually talk to him about them, little did I know I would never hear back from him again.

Mom’s condition declined slightly while she was in the hospital and gladly she was able to recover and be discharged shortly after being admitted.

I went to sleep that night she got discharged happy as could be, but woke up at 2:01 am to my mother coming into my room telling me that it was for real this time, he isn’t going to make it. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs “no, no, no” and saying “I thought he was getting better.”

January 28th, 2021, was the worst day of my life.

We went to the hospital that morning and I almost didn’t go in because seeing my Dad in that condition ripped my heart to pieces, and ripped those pieces into further smaller pieces. I told him, as he lay in his hospital bed unconscious, I loved him so so so much and just cried.

After spending 3 hours in there with him, we were told that they needed to perform some tests on him and we sadly had to vacate the room. Me, Mom, my sister, my uncle, and aunt, proceeded to go back home and get some rest because the rest of that day was going to be purely horrible and it was just that and more.

We got the call just before noon, he was gone. I had never been more angry, confused, or upset in my life. I just hugged one of my cousins that I’m very close to and just cried and cried.

I lost my role model that day.

I wish now I would’ve loved a little harder, hugged a little harder, and most importantly, been a better son. I was never a horrible son by any stretch of the imagination, but I never thought I was the best due to some of my actions growing up. He and I did so much together, and I haven’t done anything we used to do together since because it’s stuff we did together, and I don’t want to do it without him.

The road of grief has been purely terrible, I physically feel empty without him here. When I cry, I actually feel a hole in my heart, I re-think absolutely everything I’ve done and wished I did better as a son.

My Dad and I are very alike, he introduced me to politics, which led me to a love of the field and majoring in Political Science at the University of Alabama. I love what I get to study and it’s all because of him. I do everything for him now and hope I make him proud in everything I do.

Obviously, by losing Dad I was angry at God, I was angry. I nearly just left Christianity altogether, I was that angry at him. I had attended the Christmas service at Church of the Highlands in December 2020 and wanted to come back for the Sunday services after getting back from my New Years’ trip. I started going back soon after losing Dad and felt so at home at Highlands, I was able to be distracted from how my life was crumbling around me.

I kept going, Sunday after Sunday, my faith grew stronger, and so did I mentally. I eventually joined the church as a member and later got a position on their production staff.

I was finally happy, I can’t describe the amount of joy I felt once I made the decision to join as a member. I feel at home there and I look forward to going every Sunday I can.

Getting plugged back into the church was one of the best decisions I have ever made and I wish I could take my Dad to one of the services, but I know he’s there with me, just not how I would want him to be. I’ve never been closer to God than I am right now.

I feel like I’m just rambling on in this, but it’s truly how I feel on the inside. Losing Dad has torn me apart and there were times I don’t think I could’ve kept on living, but those days came…and they passed.

God’s mercies are new every morning, I know now it’s just about getting up and pressing on. It’s about acknowledging how you feel as legitimate and continuing to fight every day.

Unfortunately, what happened to my family and me is just God’s plan. I don’t have to understand it or like it, but it’s his plan for my life.

If you have experienced something similar to this, or just are depressed and you can’t see a way out, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255. You’re loved, and while it may not seem like you’re gonna make it out of what you feel, you will. You’re important and you make a difference.